Congratulations, Your “Boundaries” Are a Suggestion
You said it. They ignored it. Here’s why being nice isn’t the same as being respected.
You said it. Clearly. Out loud. Maybe even twice.
And they did it anyway.
So now you’re confused, a little hurt, and honestly? Kind of embarrassed. Because you did the thing. You set the boundary. You used the words. You even had the tone right — calm, firm, unbothered. You watched a whole TikTok about it.
Still didn’t work.
Here’s what nobody tells you: most boundaries fail before they’re ever broken. Not because the other person is terrible (they might be, but that’s a separate conversation). They fail because of how they were built. Specifically — you built yours like a request.
“I’d really prefer if you didn’t...”
“It makes me uncomfortable when...”
“Can we agree not to...”
That’s not a boundary. That’s a negotiation. And you opened the table.
A boundary isn’t something you ask someone to respect. It’s a decision about what you will do. Full stop. The other person doesn’t have to agree. They don’t have to like it. They don’t even have to acknowledge it. Your boundary is about your behavior, not theirs.
The difference sounds like this:
Request boundary: “Please don’t call me after 9pm.” Actual boundary: “I don’t answer calls after 9pm.”
One is asking for compliance. The other is just... true. Already decided. Non-negotiable not because you’re being difficult, but because you already made up your mind.
See, we were taught that boundaries are polite fences. Little signs that say please stay off the grass. And maybe some people will respect the sign. But some people will walk right through it, look you dead in the eye, and dare you to do something about it.
Which brings us to the real problem.
Most people set boundaries they won’t enforce. And deep down, they know it when they’re setting them. There’s a version of boundary-setting that is genuinely just a wish dressed up in therapy language. “I deserve to be treated better.” Yes. True. But what happens when you’re not?
If the answer is nothing — then there’s no boundary. There’s just a preference.
This is not about being hard. Or cold. Or cutting people off at the first offense (though sometimes that’s exactly the right move and we don’t talk about that enough). It’s about being honest with yourself before you’re honest with anyone else.
What will you actually do? What will change on your end if this person keeps crossing the line? Figure that out first. Then you won’t need a conversation about it. You’ll just live it. And people will learn — not because you told them to, but because you stopped making it comfortable not to.
Boundaries aren’t walls. They’re not warnings. They’re just decisions.
Make yours. Then keep
— Aūna Millér
Creator of Rooted & Rude and The Daily F🍸ckcabulary